Oh, nevermind…

(Journal entry from Jun 2008 while at the Telluride Bluegrass Festival)

On a hike up the mountain to the waterfall overlooking Telluride:
One woman was talking about getting a baseline mammogram because she’s turning 40. Another woman was questioning that and saying that she wasn’t sure the baseline or subsequent check-ups were necessary since the procedure would introduce x-rays to the body. I said that the effect wouldn’t be that great since the follow-ups weren’t every year and the amount of x-rays were minor compared to the possibility of breast cancer.

She shot back “Yeah, but you’re a scientist, right? And you work in pharmaceuticals.” I replied that just because I work in the industry doesn’t mean that I automatically support taking drugs or subjecting the body to all treatments. In fact, I don’t unless it’s something critical and my body just isn’t dealing well with whatever has been thrown my way.

That’s when I should have stopped.

Vast Expanse

   

*Don’t ruin the idea with words.
~I’ve missed you…almost forgot you really.
*Every morning you woke me up. Well, actually, I was awake and waiting for you. After the stroke, I HAD to wait for you, Sunshine.
~And every morning, that’s how you greeted me: “Good morning, Sunshine”. I always teased you about saying that to the other girls.
*But I didn’t. Only for you.
~Thank-you for believing in me. In your eyes, I saw my beauty; my humanity. I wish we could have our talks again. I would ask a lot more questions.
*You moved so fast. Think you could slow down to ask? Or listen?
~I don’t know.

Even when we were together every day, there was a distance, a gap. Now years later I’d like to say that I would be more intentional, more careful, but in most of my interactions, there’s the comfortable separation. Sometimes now I wonder how far away you really are. Maybe you are closer than ever because I can make our relationship into what I want and you’ll never push beyond my comfortable perimeter.

At that point in my marriage, I had been stripped of any belief that I could have in myself. When you held my face in your hands and showed me that I mattered, you gave pieces of it back.

*If my memory of our relationship is different than history, at this point, does it matter? If no one else is alive to correct the fabricated details, are they less real?*

A Week in the Life

 

Concerned Other

My evenings this week:

Monday: Rainbow Board Meeting with Mandi (and others) to talk about how to replace one of the most valuable employees.

Tuesday: Played my role as “Concerned Other” for a friend who has to attend a class after his 2nd DWI.  The people in the class had to present their plans for not letting another drunk driving incident happen again.  I had a lot of doodle time.  Some quotes from the class:
“It’s not behind me, but in front of me.” 
“I need to remember that I’m a good, kind, caring person.  I tend not to do that.”
“We all have our crutches.”
Some common themes: loneliness, low self-esteem, depression 

Wednesday: With a couple of other women, helped plant a friend’s garden.  Later I touched on a wound that opened itself back up in contemplative writing class.   I was reminded once again of how fortunate I am to meet weekly with such a supportive, genuine group of beautiful women and get the opportunity to probe a bit deeper.

Billy Joel/Elton John

Thursday: Checked IDs for a bunch of people (who had enough wrinkles or grey hair to not need IDs checked) as a volunteer for the Billy Joel/Elton John concert and got to watch most of the concert for free. Incredible!!!
Favorite moment: They sang the last song, Piano Man, together with the whole sold-out crowd singing along.  At the end of the song they stopped and WE sang to them:
“Sing us a song, you’re a piano man
sing us a song tonight
Cause we’re all in the mood for a melody
and you’ve got us feelin’ all right.”

Friday-Sunday: Packed up for a weekend camping trip with Andy and his scout troop.  Predictions are hiking and biking in the rain.  
My Mother’s Day gift: my son stuck on a camping trip with me. 😉

Monday: Pass-out!