#reverb10 Day 17: Lesson Learned

22 12 2010

PROMPT: Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I learned that it’s STILL raw and that, as far as I feel I’ve come, it’s not hard at all to step back into that space..

The thought of you allows me to hate my body, hate myself all over again.  As long as you were married, I was safe.  Safe from wondering, remembering, caring, judgment – safe from going over all of it again in my head.  I’m afraid that I still haven’t learned to speak up for myself – i still haven’t learned that I deserve it.

There has to be a reason that I feel the need to go through this.  I liked it better when you were locked up and she held the key; it prevented the illusion of choices.  There’s no fear when you are locked away from your own decisions and they don’t have to be made or even faced.

I’m looking around and seeing how cluttered my inner rooms remain.  I fear you seeing the mess.