Vast Expanse

18 05 2009

*Don’t ruin the idea with words.
~I’ve missed you…almost forgot you really.
*Every morning you woke me up. Well, actually, I was awake and waiting for you. After the stroke, I HAD to wait for you, Sunshine.
~And every morning, that’s how you greeted me: “Good morning, Sunshine”. I always teased you about saying that to the other girls.
*But I didn’t. Only for you.
~Thank-you for believing in me. In your eyes, I saw my beauty; my humanity. I wish we could have our talks again. I would ask a lot more questions.
*You moved so fast. Think you could slow down to ask? Or listen?
~I don’t know.

Even when we were together every day, there was a distance, a gap. Now years later I’d like to say that I would be more intentional, more careful, but in most of my interactions, there’s the comfortable separation. Sometimes now I wonder how far away you really are. Maybe you are closer than ever because I can make our relationship into what I want and you’ll never push beyond my comfortable perimeter.

At that point in my marriage, I had been stripped of any belief that I could have in myself. When you held my face in your hands and showed me that I mattered, you gave pieces of it back.

*If my memory of our relationship is different than history, at this point, does it matter? If no one else is alive to correct the fabricated details, are they less real?*